i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
