You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
