My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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