I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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