Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
