I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
