is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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