I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
