my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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