I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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