I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
