Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
