She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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