this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
