Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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