Taylor Swift is so right about you.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
