I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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