Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
