i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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