don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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