I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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