hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
