Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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