biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
ok first of all what the fuck
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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