like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
