Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
