I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
