You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
