I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
