Where are you?
In a non slutty way
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
