only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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