Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
