god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
