During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
