At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
