It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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