Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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