On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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