I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
