oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
