Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
