Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
