If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
