I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Randomize
