I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
