apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
