Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
