the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
