Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
