She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
